From Trust to Fear & rediscovering Trust again !
Updated: Jun 8, 2022
As a rebellious 17 year old teenager, I rode on the back of a motorcycle with no helmet and felt the anticipation, the excitement, the speed and the freedom, alongside that nagging fear that would suddenly show itself as a sudden "eek.... but what if something goes horribly wrong " ? I would tighten my grip around my future husband's waste, snuggle closer, he would usually nod, sometimes give my knee a reassuring squeeze or a light tap, and I would once again feel the trust in his skills and ability, although I would frequently also whisper a prayer to the Angels to keep us both safe.
It would never be very long before I would feel myself automatically starting to lean as the bike would start dropping sideways as we approached the next bend, then slowly straighten back up. The motor would roar as the revs increased and we accelerated out of the corner. My long hair would be blown forcefully, backwards, sideways, slapping me in the face, going in my eyes which I'd be forced to close, but that didn't stop the pure pleasure of the excitement.
It was totally exhilarating. Later I became a wife, and then I was a mother, and something changed. Responsibility for another life, a new and very vulnerable life that trusted in me completely, when I couldn't even trust myself.
This new little life that was dependent on me and his Dad to care for, to nurture and protect, triggered a change in me, and the voice of fear became much louder than the voice of trust Eventually I stopped riding on the back of a motorcycle.
The invincibility of youth was replaced with the reality of responsibility.
I had grown up, or at least I thought I had. In reality, I hadn't even started to grow up. There is a myth that when you reach a certain age that you have finished learning, and all you had to do was settle down and live a perfect ' acceptable' life and fit into society. That wasn't how it was for me.
I had much more growing up to do, much more learning, and life events would make certain that would happen. It would take many years before I was once again able to connect to the voice of Trust. When I did, I was shocked to discover that it was also Me that I needed to learn to Trust. Me that I needed to learn to believe in. Me that I needed to accept and to love unconditionally. Me that I needed to learn to nurture, to respect, to appreciate, to enjoy being alone with.
Me that I had to learn to accept, forgive and love unconditionally before I could truly Trust.
Much more about that journey is in my published book "Soul Destruction - the Ultimate Betrayal" And it's sequel "Soul Awakening - Defy Betrayal" which is due to be published very soon.